As I sit here gathering my thoughts to type into a beautiful newsletter for your entertainment purposes, I sit in silence celebrating a rare occasion. My kids went to f&*%ing sleep WITHOUT ME!! My weeks are typically filled somewhere beyond full and overflowing. You see, on a typical work day (Tuesdays and Thursdays), it’s not normally like this.
Here comes my side rant…
On a day when I’m at Elevate, because don’t get it twisted, my days “off” aren’t days off. Standing beyond the chair is actually easier because I get to talk to adults and create art. It’s when the clock inches closer to 6pm and the anxiety sets in knowing I’m about to finish my last client, clean up and head home to my second unpaid job…(yes, the rewards of being a mom are obviously priceless but you know what I mean). As I’m half way through my last client of the day, my mind is already at home where I’m planning dinner and how to strategically finish folding the loads of laundry that have been sitting on my bed the last two nights. In fact, I haven’t even slept in my bed the last two nights because the laundry has taken my spot … (and because my husband pushed it there to get into bed LOL… ladies I know I’m not alone on this one).
Needless to say, If you’re balancing motherhood, working/running a business, raising a puppy and being a wife, unless you have three nannies and a maid, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I FEEL SWAMPED! So yes, I’m celebrating a victory tonight! At one point I heard Madison upstairs say “dad, why is mom still down there?“, and I yelled to her, “BECAUSE YOU HAVE A FATHER“, she was quite shocked that I heard her LOL.
Some of you have been asking how our online learning has been going…
When I first had Madison, I flew to Philadelphia to be trained at the The Institute for The Achievement of Human Potential” so I could homeschool her. The program was incredible and inspiring. I was there amongst so many different families. Some who were homeschooled and their parents were homeschooled too. I left feeling inspired and motivated to teach her at home. In fact, she didn’t even go to JK, I kept teaching her right up until Harper was born. It felt great to be her teacher and watch her learn… but now, flash forward to November 2020 and I HATE IT!!!
You see, when you get to teach your child based on their interests, it’s great. If she wanted to learn about ballet, we would study the history of ballet. If she wanted to know about dinosaurs, we would study that too. We also had playdates for the socialization component. It was all so amazing! But with this online curriculum, I don’t know if it’s because I’m older and less patient or just have way too much on my plate, it’s just not the same. Having two kids home all day staring at laptops stuck inside while other children are chatting over zoom is incredibly noisy and distracting. I also feel for some of these teachers because it has to be challenging trying to control a situation virtually. How do you settle a class to keep their volume down through a screen? I ended up having a reassuring talk with the principal a few weeks ago and he asked me something no one’s asked me yet. He asked how I was doing and where my sanity level was at. I replied asking him blankly, “what sanity level?” He spoke to me parent to parent and removed the guilt and fear by letting me know I haven’t failed my kids or myself by admitting that I’m getting close to my breaking point. He made it ok to be overwhelmed and frustrated. He put us on a list to try the in-person education. As nervous as I am, he reassured me that the option of changing them back to online learning was always an option. I felt such a huge load off of my shoulders. I honestly love my kids and cherish the time we have spent together since this pandemic started, but this mama needs some time to love herself too. I just want to read a book with no screaming for a snack request. I just want to watch some Netflix and not be required to screen it because there are little people in the room. Perhaps I just want to take a nap!?!? My kids have also been begging me to send them back to school. They miss the interaction with other kids and they too feel it’s difficult to learn and concentrate through online learning.
Whatever it is that we need as moms to keep ourselves together for the day, we deserve it. We wear soooo many hats and since the start of this pandemic, the load has been even harder to carry.
So remember to love yourself, tell yourself you’re worth it, don’t be so hard on yourself and remember that we’re only human. I tried my best to do it all and I’m in need of a break. A break to remove one of those hats and get some time back for myself.
Take care of yourself!
XO
Pammy
